Parenting with Presence: How we teach without words.

Think about a time when you walked into a different environment - the bank, a restaurant, or even a new job. What were the first things you noticed or did upon entering? Did you find yourself instinctively seeking clues about what's considered acceptable behavior or how people interact in that space?

Generally speaking, we are asking ourselves, How should I behave here?

In fact, this constant scanning of our environment is something our brains are hardwired to do. We often without us even realizing it, subconsciously asking ourselves, “Am I safe here?” This process is rooted in our fight-or-flight response and can be triggered in new or uncertain situations. We look for clues about how to act and how to feel secure in our surroundings (which thankfully has kept us alive for thousands of years!).

This same instinct is true for children. Children constantly look to their caregivers for what to do and how to be in the world.

James Baldwin said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” We enter this world with a completely blank slate and so our kiddos are constantly watching for the answer to “how do I be in this world?” Children learn new social and developmental skills, values, and behavior through observing us and then experimenting on their own (over and over again).

The classic example is when a toddler falls down for the 67th time in a span of 5 minutes and there’s zero damage, no injury. We know the way the adult responds is how the child will learn to react. If the little one hears a big panicked, “OH MY GOSH! ARE YOU OKAY?! THAT MUST HAVE HURT SO BAD!” every time they fall, the young child picks up on that energy and mirrors it, responding in the same big way. Over time, the child may begin to internalize the big emotional responses they observe, even to situations when there’s no real danger.

On the flip side, when the adult calmly responds with a comforting, “Are you okay?” — maybe accompanied with a loving touch — while there still may be an emotional response, over time the child embodies a more regulated response. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be feelings it just means that through repeated experiences of co-regulation (and validation), children gradually learn to regulate their own emotional responses in similar situations.

In the most literal sense — every second that we are with our children we are modeling for them how to be in this world: how we respond when we fall down; how we talk to the mailman; what our behavior is like when we can’t find our keys; how we celebrate winning; and even how we respond to our pets when they get into something they’re not supposed to (we love you, Chance!).

The question then becomes, “Who and how do I want to be for my child?”

A few nights ago, I was at the keyboard playing a choppy rendition of “Wheels on the Bus” from a music book when my 22 month old son, Charlie, took the music book from the stand yelling, “ALL DONE! ALL DONE!” While there are varying perspectives on why he yelled, “ALL DONE!” my husband, Drew, and I still looked at each other and grappled with what to do: “Shouldn’t this be a time we teach Charlie ‘respect’?” “What do we do here?”

We came back to one of our beliefs as parents: the value doesn’t come from us grabbing the book back or a stern lecture on respect — it is going to be absorbed through our response just like everything else we do. If I were to rip the book out of my son’s hand and yell at him, “No! We don’t do that!” I have just affirmed that this is how we get what we want and can’t be totally surprised when he grabs a toy from his friend when they’re playing.

Drew and I then asked each other, “Okay, so how do we want to show him we respond to this?”

This moment with Charlie is just one of many where our reactions shape how our children will learn to respond to the world around them.

The more we can get curious and be conscious of this question (without judging ourselves for all the times we’ve ripped the music book back out of their hands) the more we can guide our children towards positive and productive responses. 

It’s natural to feel that this is overwhelming especially if you’ve already tried different approaches.

Noticing your reactions in the moment is a great place to start. Or after the moment is over, reflect on your self-talk: What was I thinking about? Was my reaction in alignment with the values I want to instill in my child? Curiosity is a great place to begin tuning in to our self-talk — which is the bridge to understanding our patterns of behavior and aligning with who and what we want to be in this world.

When we become aware of the script playing in our heads, we begin to see the choice we have in every. single. situation. We begin to see that we can choose to respond in a regulated, positive manner — leading the way for our children to do the same.

Spoiler alert: this process takes time — both for us and our children. It involves self-reminders. And repetition. And yes, failing. And trying again…

And forgetting and remembering… and then over time you’re embodying the behavior you want to model…And just when you think your child has internalized it, they’re tired and frustrated and grab the book off the music stand again or yell in your face. And that’s okay.

It’s okay because you remind yourself you’re still the guide and they’re still learning. This process is a journey, and that’s part of it. Because part of their job is to learn how to be in the world, and part of ours is to show them the way...again and again.

And, another spoiler alert: I don’t believe our job ends when they’re 18. While we may become more independent as we become adult children, the influence of our parents continues to shape us, often in ways we may not even realize.

So, just as you once asked, “How should I behave here?” — your child is looking to you and asking, “How should I behave in this world?”

Which leads us to reflect: “What values do I want to model today? And how can I be the kind of guide my child needs to navigate the world with compassion and confidence?”